Changing it up!

Hi! You may have noticed already...but just in case: I haven't been that great at updating my blog here because I've got a personal website set up now. I'm posting entries over there now. I will still try to apply posts here as well, but just in case, you can find me at:

www.sassysideup.com

Please check it out and feel free to leave me comments or feedback!

The Boy is Mine

Oh ho HO! Oh, no you DIDN’T! Are you kidding me?! No seriously. Is this a joke? Please tell me you’re kidding. I truly can’t wrap my mind around how beyond ridiculous this is. It HAS to be a joke. You completely out your damn mind if you think your trickery is getting you anywhere! I don’t think you know who you’re dealing with. I have no problem whatsoever showing you your competition…but that would be insinuating that there is actually a contest. There is no contest. You lose. You lost a long time ago. I trump you, times ten.

If you know me at all, you know that I can be extremely possessive, highly protective, and pretty jealous. The jealousy typically no longer applies to many things where Dorian’s concerned, because hey, I’ve got him. He’s not going anywhere and I don’t have to worry about any other girl catching his attention. It is safe to say that “The boy is mine…”

And though I am completely confident of my status in that man’s heart, there are apparently a couple people who may need to be informed that he can officially be labeled as TAKEN (and HAPPY about it!). They seem to think that they can finagle their way back in …or something twisted along those lines. My opinion of these people is the lowest of low. They strike me as manipulative, immature, foul, catty, petty, idiotic, naïve, classless, scheming, controlling, fake Dirty Pirate Hookers. And I’ve informed them, very colorfully, of their insignificance many times…but only in my mind…because, hello? I’m Passive Aggressive.

The fact alone that they think they can work their way back into Dorian’s life, in any venue, is actually quite hilarious. And watching them try, absolutely takes the cake. I do not feel threatened by them in any way, shape or form. Because as long as we’re talking about shape and form ::snicker:: I’m a Stone Cold Fox compared to these slutty mc-slut bags. And if you know anything about how insecure I am about how I look…and how hard I am on my size and fitness, you know what I’m saying about these girls. Ha HA! I’m insulting them, a lot. And I don’t feel a moment’s guilt about it. I truly have nothing good to say about them.

They clearly have no sense of right and wrong. This man is married. Back. Off. I mean, I could help you back off with a hefty punch to the face with the ROCK on my left hand. Oh, I’m sorry, have you not seen the evidence? Because it’s pretty clear. Come here, let me show you. Oh, you can see it from there? You’re blinded, you say? That’s what I thought. Now let me give you an additional piece of advice: Drop it. Stop trying to contact, my husband. With every single feeble attempt, we laugh at you more. That’s right, we mock you. HE mocks you. I mean seriously, take the tiny shred of pride that you may or may not have left, and walk away. Because believe me, we’re running away from you.

Commencing Respect Elimination...Now

Hey, you over there. Yes, you. Shhh, come here. I’ve got a story to tell you…but it’s a wee bit personal and entirely humiliating, so I’d rather not shout it out. If you’d rather not hear about the…uhmm…ins and outs of this story…I suggest you end our little talk, right here.


No? You want to hear all about it? Well, let me tell you. “Dignity” is no longer a word that I am personally acquainted with. “Why is that?” You say. Well, I had to go to the Doctor this morning. A fun little excursion of which repeating, will be prioritized on my list around…oh, I don’t know….french kissing a warthog. How about that. Yes, that sounds about right, I do believe this experience will be repeated right around the time I have a juicy make-out session with Pumba, himself. So never. Is all I’m saying.

I’m going to share with you two key elements of background that you can firmly file under, This Blog No Longer Has Boundaries.

Key Element #1 – I am very, very skittish about pooping in public. Can’t do it. Well, I can…I am physically capable of pooping in public, fine. But mentally, I think I’d rather kiss that there warthog. I realize that everyone’s crap stinks. I get it. But I have this crippling fear of the embarrassment of being walked in on when I’m the one emitting that aroma. The feeling, to me, is the equivalent of walking all the way across a school gym FULL of students of all ages (including the boy that you’ve had a desperate crush on since you were five) with your dress tucked into your undies underneath…and a teacher running behind you urgently trying to catch you to pull your dress out and cover your bum…when you’re in third grade (this may or may not have been me. I admit to nothing. Except it totally was me and ohmyword, I died. Came back to life, threw up…and died again.). Crippling. I hate the idea of grossing someone out. As if pooping doesn’t already feel gross enough…particularly after about 3 cups of very strong coffee…and a bran muffin. There’s just something horribly vulnerable about making things STANK…and having someone else know that you’re the cause. It erodes at least three solid levels of respect, minimum. So all that to say, I hold it. To a very painful degree. I know for a fact that I can control my bowel movements for 7 days. SEVEN. And that’s without any level of post pregnancy pain or anything along those lines (and speaking of which? The more I read about that stuff? We’re adopting!).


Key Element #2 – Holy cow, I’m about to share a LOT…I need to psych myself up a bit. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Okay. I’ve been losing (what looks like) an incredible amount of blood when I’ve gone to the bathroom (you know, pooped) over the last month. And because of our insane schedules over the weekends and my “inability” to go at work…I’ve been going extremely irregularly…so that when I do go…I die. My insides become my outsides and I cry and it hurts and ohmyword the HORROR. So I tell Dorian what’s going on so that if he comes home to me passed out…well, at least he knows to attribute it to loss of blood? Maybe?


So! Awesome! See what I mean? I’ve just depleted at least 3 levels of your respect for me. Oh, five!? Sweet!


So I’d been attributing the um, the blood…to ugh, hemorrhoids. That sick nasty, thing that only old people are supposed to get (no offense, but you have to admit that they do just sound like an elderly “problem”). So I looked them up on WebMD (I challenge you to find a more informative medical website)… and discovered that they can be caused by, get this, straining. And believe me, when you wait that long to go to the bathroom, and your body thinks that maybe you’re just playing around when you finally do sit down to release, so it keeps holding, because hey! this is just a joke anyway! My goodness, there is straining. So I thought I’d solved my problem (well, at least the problem of not knowing what was going on) until two days ago…when I don’t think I’d ever seen that much blood. Ever. There was, A LOT. So I tell Dorian…and cry a little…and he’s nervous…and wants me to call the Doctor…so I do…and they think I should come in…and it all leads up to, this morning…

Where I laid on an examination table, nakie from the waist down…and I really, really think…I may have done it. I think I pooped, right then and there. I had had coffee before I went, so duh, I just needed to go to the bathroom…but there was no time! Shocker! So I was holding it…and I made SURE to tell him that. And he proceeded with…the prodding. And after that appointment? I didn’t have to go anymore. I think I felt…release? And I don’t even have a delivery push to blame that on. So there you have it, I gave my Dignity an affectionate embrace and kicked it mercilessly to the curb.


(Oh and p.s. Nothing is wrong with me. Not even a hemorrhoid. I was shocked. The Doctor was even surprised. My diagnosis? I need to poop, regularly. My body is effectively throwing me the middle finger for holding it the way I do. So now, I get to take Metamucil every night before I go to bed and follow it with a cup of coffee in the morning, and let nature do the rest. Kill me).

You Could Find Me in the Club

Dorian and I went on a spontaneous date night last night, courtesy of one of his patient’s $25 Appelbees gift card to him. When I meet this patient, I might have to hug them. It was so nice to just go out, and not have to worry about money. He told me about the gift card at lunch time, so I had our little datelet to look forward to all afternoon long. I looked at the menu online and knew immediately what I would be ordering. The California Turkey Club.

Oh, my goodness, I love club sandwiches. And this one, sounded like it would be the King of all things Club. Marbled wheat bread, melted mozzarella cheese, sliced turkey, crispy bacon, ripe tomatoes, fresh lettuce, and a creamy avocado ranch dressing. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. And the sandwich tasted just as scrumptious as it sounds. Scrumptruelecent, really. Sometimes, I am astounded at how such a basic combination can taste so ridiculously delicious.

And, as if anyone wants to hear me crying about Mexico anymore, our resort had incredible club sandwiches too. I ordered them from room service, ummm…well actually more times that I can count…so a lot. Which, heh, explains a little bit about why i’ve had to work a bit harder lately at that whole weight thing. Ooooops. But, the room service/club sandwiches. Focus, Kristen. They were delicious. And every single time I ordered one, it was made a different way. The same basic ingredients, but always something added or subtracted…and always stacked differently. Some tasted better than others, but all tasted wonderful.

I think it’s fair (cliche, but fair) to say that I could live on club sandwiches, alone. No other sandwich compares. And the fat girl inside of me is eternally grateful to Applebees for bringing my sandwich obsession so much closer to home. The End.

Hands & Knees 101

Ok, shoot. Let’s get that selfish tirade post pushed a little bit further down the page. I’m embarrassed at it’s current prominence. Today’s post will hopefully show you my true heart…well, maybe it will at least over rule the blacker parts of it. Here we go. A non-exhaustive laundry list of things I am thankful for…in no certain order:

• My job. Every single day when I come into work, I read on the news or hear my co-workers talking about another company that has had to go through layoffs. I would never be so naive to think that my job is immune from that possibility…but I’m thankful for every day that I can come in to work.
• My husband. I know that I went on and on about him a couple posts ago, so i’ll try not to be redundant. Dorian just blesses me to my very core. He completes me. I think it’s fair to say that I don’t know what I would do without him. I’m thankful for who he is. I’m thankful for the way our personalities absolutely compliment each other. I’m even thankful for when we have conflict because of the way it proves to bring us closer together. I’m thankful that I consistently learn new things about him. I’m thankful for his sense of humor and how it cultivates an environment between us that is never dull. I’m thankful for his outlook on life. I’m thankful for the way that he sees me. He values me and loves me for who I am. And though i’m not ever a ”fake” person with anyone else, I am very guarded…and I don’t have to be with him. He loves me, including my walls…well, maybe more accurately said: he loves me, despite of my walls. And he doesn’t mind having to knock them over (again) every once in a while (fine, all the time). Stuff it. I’m working on it!
• Our families. My family is incredible. I married in to another incredible family. The family situation in my life is just an all around incredible blessing. There are little dysfunctions and problems here and there, but truly, what family doesn’t have that? And if you don’t? Well, i’m honestly a little sorry for you. You must tell me how boring your life is! In fact, would you like a bit of our dysfunction? It’ll make you smile, I promise. Our families are chocked full of character. Bursting at the seems, actually. And I wouldn’t trade that for all the “normalcy” in the world. I love each and every individual that makes our lives as full and colorful and exciting as they are. They are wonderful, caring, loving, giving people. I think I would succeed in writing The Longest Blog Post Ever if I were to tell you how much I love every one of them and why. So just know, I love them a lot and am overwhelmingly thankful that they are mine. My family.
• Friends. My word, I have amazing friends. The kind of people that would leave a gaping hole in my life if they were ever to make an exit from it. I mean, gaping. I have the kind of friends that define the idea of being by your side through thick and thin. They set the standard. If you look at our wedding pictures, the women standing next to me? Make my heart beat. Friendship with them is a fulfilling, rich, thrilling experience that cannot be accurately bound by words. And if I’d had my way, 10 more people would have been standing there too. I truly have more incredible friends than I could have ever asked for.
• God’s power and control and timing in guiding my life every second from before I was even a blip on the radar. The history involved in bringing my life to where it is now is just staggering to me. I cannot be more thankful for the way people allowed God to work in their lives which transitioned into teaching me to allow God to take a hold of my life, which often times meant that he was holding it and guiding it without my knowledge and even against my will…and I. am. HUMBLED. That even when I didn’t understand and was saying “umm, I think you might be a little wrong…alot! Let’s do more what I want, please. Thank you.”…He knew and was still gently leading and creating this beautiful, wonderful life filled with things that I can’t ever be thankful enough for.
• Summer. Breezy, fresh, beautiful, WARM, sunny, eventful, sandy, chlorine-filled, tanned, vacationy, colorful, long-anticipated SUMMER. Um, I love summer. Enough said.
• The sky. Very vague, corny sounding. But bear with me. I haven’t ever seen the same picture in the sky twice. I am completely mesmerized by how beautiful it can be. Every aspect of it. Sunrises, sunsets, clouds, rays of sunshine, and rainbows. Almost every time I get into my car and get onto a long stretch of road, I am greeted by a different scene in the sky…and I love it. I can literally look forward to it, every time.
• My car. It can be a temperamental, needy little thing…but I really do love my car.
• Small group. I look forward to Monday’s ever week, because it means I get to go to small group. I love the women that are in my group. I love the dynamics that each one brings to the table. I love the discussions we get into. I love knowing that I can talk about what I believe with a group of people that are on the exact same page as I am. I am very thankful to have been able to get involved.
• The (technical) freedom to believe what I want to believe.
• Anything pink. What a beautiful color. Oh, oh, ok. But to make this a serious thing to be thankful for…how about the abilityto see clearly. haHA! Yes, my eye sight. So I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that pink is the best.

Ok, now I feel like i’m just getting into the fifth grade list of Things I am Thankful for…but I am very glad to say, that I could keep going and expounding. Which is honestly encouraging, even to me…I was a little upset with myself yesterday at how quickly my mind went into that pithy little tirade. So, there you go…i’m not a completely selfish ogre. Only, very dominantly.

Slipping into my Snippy Pants

Ok, I tried to write a post about Panera’s impressive customer service. I actually had quite a bit of material…but it’s just not where my mind and heart are at right now. So instead, I’m going to regale you with a pissy post about how life is so unfair. Boohoo.

I would like, very much to go back to Mexico. Or maybe to the Bahamas. Or maybe Hawaii. Just…some place tropical, okay? And I realize I just sound like a two year old stamping my foot…because I was just in Mexico! I had an incredible honeymoon there! I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Except, you know, here I am…not so much “asking” as throwing myself into a fully body tantrum, begging! I’ve already proved to you how selfish I can be with my Vera Bradley ranty nonsense, so let’s just emblazon that horrible persona a little deeper into my flesh. Here, I’ll help you light the fire!

I want to go back to Mexico, now. Right now. And I am very, very frustrated at the fact that I may literally never get to take a trip like that again. I’m struggling with justifying spending money on a long weekend in Grand Haven for birthday celebrations later this summer, let alone an all inclusive vacation in the tropics. Heck, I’m struggling with justifying spending any extra money on grocery shopping this evening for a specially requested dinner by Dorian. Macaroni and hot dogs, folks. The man asked for macaroni and hotdogs. And I am more than happy to oblige. Thrilled! In fact. But it does require groceries that are not already in our cupboards…and I’m struggling with the justification.

I just. Wish. Money wasn’t so fracking limited. I knooooowwwww I’m singin’ to the choir here. Oh yes, two year old stamping my foot. That’s right. But I don’t care. I’m indulging in my selfish tantrum and you can just deal with it….or roll your eyes at me. That’s fine, too. I just would love to have an opportunity to take another trip that was that extravagant…to know that it could possibly happen. It would be amazing to even be able to do our trip over, but with the experience of already having done it. We would be able to do a few things differently and possibly enjoy things that much more!

I’m truly driving myself nuts with my own selfishness. I think I might just be struggling a little bit extra right now with hearing about other people’s trips, plans, etc. And then to just rub salt granules the size of baseballs into my gaping wound, my company just announced the recipients of an all inclusive, all expense paid trip to Rivierra Maya. A trip that I didn’t have a crazy shot in hell at. My job is completely low profile. Even if I worked my butt off every single day for the next 3 years, I wouldn’t be noticed. I just don’t have a position with any kind of recognition capabilities. My boss recognizes me and appreciates my work, but not in the mentality of “hey! she’s worked hard enough to get to go on this incredible vacation!” oh no. Believe me. It’s a pretty male dominated favorability in this company. And I, clearly, do not fit in that category.

So just, bah! You know what? I’m going to post this because I wrote it and it is truly how my mind was working…but I already am regretting letting my pettiness get as far as it did. Dorian and I both have wonderfully stable jobs. We are hugely blessed to have a double income that we can count on. I’m more blessed, than I know how to wrap my mind around, to know that I can go to the grocery store tonight to pick up a couple things just because my baby wants them. It might not “fit” into our budget, but we have the money to cover it, for sure. And not many people can even say that. This is what I’m going to do: I’m going to absolutely require myself to write a post that is composed of nothing but the things I’m thankful for. And if that post isn’t longer than this one? I’ve certainly got some humbling soul searching to do. What are you thankful for today?

On Weekends and Wrap-ups

In bullet point format…because that's where my head's at right now:

• My hair is growing on me (what does it say about me that the pun-iness of that statement absolutely cracks me up?).
• I went to my cousin's baby shower this weekend and had a very wonderful time. It was so nice to see her and to get to spend some time with her and her husband the next day. I used the phrase "We're going to make like a baby and head out…" in perfect context, for once…and people actually truly found it funny. Which is just the most wonderful thing ever, to me, because I always find that phrase hysterical. What is it with me and the puns lately?
• I am a complete oxy-moron when it comes to thinking about ever becoming pregnant. I see my cousin pregnant and think she looks amazing and think it will be so incredible to become a mother…but then I think about the actual pregnancy, and you know, the HUMAN growing INSIDE of you…and the whole picture just looks a little too much like an excerpt from Alien. And I frantically grab for my birth control and breathe a sigh of relief when I have it in my hands. Clearly, this one's not ready to be a mommy.
• My car is fixed in a very miraculous-God provides, sort of way. Remember how much I said it would cost to fix the bushings? Somewhere in the ballpark of $750? Well, the guy that ended up fixing it is a friend of my dad. He ended up finding out that what needed to be fixed/replaced was twice as bad as what Todd Wenzel found…which would bump the price up with all the replacement parts…and he did it all for $150. $150!!! Tell me that's not amazing. You can't!
• I got my car stuck in a snow bank. In the dark. In a snow storm. On Friday night. Swear words were uttered. Tears were shed. Voices were raised. Steering wheels were struck. We could sum that half hour up with the phrase "Not Kristen's most admirable moments…" I did learn how to rock a car out of a snow bank though…so that when Dorian's not there to save me, I'll be capable of doing something other than turning into a frustrated, bumbling pile of tears.
• Some things are sticking in my head from this weekend that hurt my feelings and confuse me in an exasperating kind of way because there is no resolution. None. And it just makes me want to scream and cry and be extremely, painfully blunt. But I know I can't because even though it might feel good in the moment to finally say some things that I have the grounds to say, I can't say them because the shock waves would ripple out in a cacophony of uncontrollable ways. And in the end, it would just be a dramatically selfish picture of me licking my own wounds.
• I'm excited for small group tonight! We're starting a new Bible study book and I'm really looking forward to this study. And then of course, I'm just looking forward to seeing everyone.
• Question: When is DeAnna coming back on The Bachelor? Is she? Inquiring minds need to know.

(This list is completely susceptible to change without notice.)